SILENT PRACTICE © BF-WATCH TV 2021 SILENT PRAYER I love you. Sometimes, when he leaves for the bar, I leave to breathe. When I take a walk, it is the only time I can be for myself, where I can escape. I found myself in a situation where I had nothing on my own. After I married, I came to Austria and got this ausweis showing that I am a family member, that my residence permit belongs to someone else, that I belong to someone else. When I came here, he read my wishes from my lips. He emphasized that he cannot live without me. That was before he became that other man, the one who freaks out so fast, the one who has to show me constantly that he is superior. that he is superior. When I walk, I always think about leaving, leaving him and this situation. I've been living in this country for almost two years. I took German courses and found some friends. Still, I do not know how to fully participate here working on all the things I used to love poetry dance music all the things I used to love, poetry, dance, music, all the things would not pay my rent, even if I try hard. I cannot leave when I do not have a job that pays my bills. Learning German from scratch is like a never-ending road. I versuche, aber ich bin nicht genug schnell. Guten Abend. Ich möchte hier raus. Ich will nicht zurückgehen. Ich habe hier angefangen und ich will hier mitmachen. I do not want to go back. I started here and I want to contribute here. Despite this, I feel invisible to people here. But here, it is not about my feelings. Money. I need to make money. My own money. I need to gain independence. I need to find my own place here. Did you hear that noise? Is someone following me? Is he following me? I think I am losing my mind. The lady at the migrant NGO said that I have to earn the money. I'm trying to find a job, but it's hard. She said that I do not need to earn the money. She said that I do not need to earn so much if I request a protection order against him at court. But what then? Where should I go then? Where should I sleep then? I am afraid. Saya perlu pulang segera. Apa jika dia pulang awal? I have to come home soon. What if he's home early? What if he is freaking out again? What if? What if I leave? Will the prince in the castle save me? When I see the river, I think about this poem, where the river dies first. In my situation, I feel like this river sometimes, not knowing where to find any water. Just one more breath before I go home. © transcript Emily Beynon SILENT PRAYER © transcript Emily Beynon